A(nother) Haiku; Or, September Bed-Hopping

When choosing pillows

The only question can be,

"Double, queen or king?"

zebra crossing

a haiku

The guest house pet:

South Africa's deadliest beast.

Close the gate.

Signs: South Africa's economical way of fixing a problem

goat-napping in the karoo

toothy

bleurgh

yawn

thplllllll

meow

croak

Friday 13th

The world said, “It’s crazy!”, “Don’t do it!”, “You’re daft!”,

But these two just knew they would have the last laugh.

They went in so separate and came out a pair,

Then Kitts got confettied by Lainey and Claire.

A sea of red bridesmaids skipped round on the lawn

(Knowing full well they’d be skipping ‘til dawn).

The girls from St Michael’s all huddled around

And remembered the day that a Breeze came to town.

“Oh, my, what a dreamboat,” they said at first sight,

And all tried to woo him. But try as they might

He only had eyes for the littlest gal,

The one called The Kitten by all of her pals.

Luckily she also knew that she was his,

or else this small poem would be quite amiss.

They linked wings like penguins, they held hands so tight,

Giggling their way through the days and the nights.

(This, Muffy can vouch, is the absolute truth,

For a year she lived next to them under a roof.)

They swapped Leeds for London, for fortune and fame,

Chugging their way into Clapham by train.

Miss Brigg started teaching wee nippers to add,

While Breezy taught adults that smoking was bad.

Then, just as the clock almost struck twenty-ten,

Breezy knew living in sin had to end.

He placed a quick call to a man in Dubai

And bent on one knee, not far from the Eye.

The kitten sat purring, slurping champagne,

Wondering when she could change her surname.

The 13th, a Friday, was the only date,

But these two little lobsters - they just could not wait!

They danced out the chapel and into the sun,

With countless more Friday 13ths yet to come.

Confetti Time

Once upon a tiny time

Someplace not far away,

There lived a Tess who liked

To play piano all the day.

She tinkled with her merry hands

(And sometimes with her toes),

But could not work out how to tap

The keys with just her nose.

Then one day out of Bluesville

Came this thing, there came a Joc,

And he was just the one to teach her

How to play her schnoz.

He walked up to the Tess and on her

Chair himself did plant,

He looked at her and told her

That he did not want her saying “can’t”.

He took her by the hand and said

She should not be afraid:

“It’s not so scary once you have a
Joc to show the way.”

“Just bend your head down really low,”

Said this blonde thing to her,

And so she did but sadly Tess

Just could not make it work.

“I don’t know how,” she said to him,

“To reach those silly keys,

With just my nose - impossible!

Could you please show me, please?”

The Joc just smiled and said “Of course,

I’d do it just for you.

And not just this, but anything;

One’s not as tough as two.”

And so the Tessa and the Joc,

Sat cosy on the stool,

They bent their noses super-low

And played a happy tune.

They tinkled softly through the night

(Much louder in the day),

And playing piano with the nose
Did now just seem the only way.

And so, when one plus one makes two

Then everybody wins,

And here my story ends, you see,

But theirs? It just begins.

oh, I do like to be beside the seaside

Robberg Beach, Plettenberg Bay
(sandy, sunny heaven, even in the middle of winter)

you've got a little something on your face...

Ready Steady Eddie

Wraparound Chameleon

lunchtime II

lunchtime

10 things I did yesterday

1. Woke up in a hilltop log cabin to a garden overlooking Piesang (Banana) Valley

2. Took a drive down to the beach to do a spot of writing and check my emails since log cabins don’t specialise in internet

3. Spent a portion of my just-mailed invoice for aforementioned writing on a steamy Rooibos latte and a blissfully spicy mushrooms, scrambled egg, bacon and lamb’s liver brunch at Sao Goncalo’s, outside Plettenberg Bay

4. Sat quietly with a family of giraffes hoping that the mummy giraffe would give birth to the baby giraffe, drop him on his head and then stuff him into a thorn bush to hide him from the lions

5. Jumped a fence into the forest and tried (and failed) to find the last remaining family of the lesser-spotted Knysna Forest elephant

6. Had sundowners with zebras in a truck on a game drive

7. (i) Got bitten by an African Grey parrot named Sharka

(ii) Petted two sleepy bush babies with eyes as big as bicycle wheels

8. Drank nearly 4 litres of flavoured Nyati liqueur in the Buffalo Hills distillery 

9.(i) Fell into a thorn bush and emerged scratched and studded all over with two-inch spikes

(ii) Fell down some stairs and (almost) into a campfire

(iii) Almost fell into a frozen swimming pool at midnight in the middle of the wilderness

10. Slept in a cabin on a game reserve with the world-famous Knysna Dwarf chameleon, Ready Steady Eddie

the animals went in two by two….

….except for the elephants who went in three by three because they had a tiny baby and didn't want to leave him all alone on dry land while they sat back with a beer in their deluxe cabin on the ark, hurrah, hurrah

My personal porch puppy: Tallulah

my life so far in numbers

10. The number of days I have spent living inside my car

9. The number of cooked breakfasts I have been offered
8. The number of times per day someone looks at my car and asks if I have been driving through open sewage
7. The number of litres of petrol I'm fairly certain my tank is haemorrhaging per hour since I drove over that tree stump
6. The number of different chemists I have visited to dose me up real nice for my chin-based spider-bite-infection-allergy-virus-rash
6. The number of different opinions I have been given by different chemists with regards to my chin-based spider-bite-infection-allergy-virus-rash
5. The number of hospitals I have passed and considered entering but not really had the time
4. The number of Persian arthouse weepies recommended to me by the 17-year-old Umbro shellsuit kid who moved to Cape Town from Lewisham a year ago and now works in my local video shop
3. The number of elephants I have seen (daddy, mummy and sprog) eating lunch behind my car
2. The number of times I have had to stand outside a guest house under a telephone pylon or in their garage  with my phone resting on a saddle stirrup in order to get one bar of reception
1. The number of cooked breakfasts I have politely, reluctantly - and purely due to time constraints - declined

cats' eyes

Camoufleye

Goldeneye

Evil Eye

Lucifeye

Today I have mostly been….

LISTENING to an unidentified Afrikaans radio station. I can't understand what they're saying but they seem to be having a riot.

NODDING along, smiling politely as guest-house owners tell me, in rich, rich detail, how they made their own floral pelmets and African-themed doilies.

AVOIDING the meth-addled parking attendants who offer to watch over my car in exchange for petty change but who clearly can't remember their own postcodes and probably don't have one anyway.

ALTERNATING between cups of coffee and rooibos for the sake of my already hyperactive kidneys.

REMEMBERING not to lock my car keys in the auto-lock boot again.

SMUGGLING sandwiches out of breakfast buffets.

BANDAGING up my face with antihistamine and gauze after a spider took a chunk out of my chin while I caught zeds in a jungle-pitched tent.

SCARING local children with my bandaged-up face.

SPOTTING a daddy elephant, mummy elephant and baby elephant scoffing grass just 5ft away from my car as I packed up the boot in a game park.

DRINKING free bedroom sherry because it's too cold to leave the room and get a proper drink.

TURNING ON electric blankets.

WRAPPING myself up in electric blankets, antihistamine and gauze, tucking into smoked salmon and cucumber sandwiches made nine hours ago and drinking free bedroom sherry while dreaming of pelmet patterns.

GiRAFFE-SPOTTiNG FOR BEGiNNERS:

just because you can't see a giraffe, 
it doesn't mean a giraffe can't see you

they're not terribly good at hiding...

…even though they try really hard

If they do see you...

…they will pretend that they don't

they like to eat lunch with a friend

so a giraffe split in half may actually be two giraffes

there are always more giraffes than you think

at the T-junction