oh, I do like to be beside the seaside

Robberg Beach, Plettenberg Bay
(sandy, sunny heaven, even in the middle of winter)

you've got a little something on your face...

Ready Steady Eddie

Wraparound Chameleon

lunchtime II

lunchtime

10 things I did yesterday

1. Woke up in a hilltop log cabin to a garden overlooking Piesang (Banana) Valley

2. Took a drive down to the beach to do a spot of writing and check my emails since log cabins don’t specialise in internet

3. Spent a portion of my just-mailed invoice for aforementioned writing on a steamy Rooibos latte and a blissfully spicy mushrooms, scrambled egg, bacon and lamb’s liver brunch at Sao Goncalo’s, outside Plettenberg Bay

4. Sat quietly with a family of giraffes hoping that the mummy giraffe would give birth to the baby giraffe, drop him on his head and then stuff him into a thorn bush to hide him from the lions

5. Jumped a fence into the forest and tried (and failed) to find the last remaining family of the lesser-spotted Knysna Forest elephant

6. Had sundowners with zebras in a truck on a game drive

7. (i) Got bitten by an African Grey parrot named Sharka

(ii) Petted two sleepy bush babies with eyes as big as bicycle wheels

8. Drank nearly 4 litres of flavoured Nyati liqueur in the Buffalo Hills distillery 

9.(i) Fell into a thorn bush and emerged scratched and studded all over with two-inch spikes

(ii) Fell down some stairs and (almost) into a campfire

(iii) Almost fell into a frozen swimming pool at midnight in the middle of the wilderness

10. Slept in a cabin on a game reserve with the world-famous Knysna Dwarf chameleon, Ready Steady Eddie

the animals went in two by two….

….except for the elephants who went in three by three because they had a tiny baby and didn't want to leave him all alone on dry land while they sat back with a beer in their deluxe cabin on the ark, hurrah, hurrah

My personal porch puppy: Tallulah

my life so far in numbers

10. The number of days I have spent living inside my car

9. The number of cooked breakfasts I have been offered
8. The number of times per day someone looks at my car and asks if I have been driving through open sewage
7. The number of litres of petrol I'm fairly certain my tank is haemorrhaging per hour since I drove over that tree stump
6. The number of different chemists I have visited to dose me up real nice for my chin-based spider-bite-infection-allergy-virus-rash
6. The number of different opinions I have been given by different chemists with regards to my chin-based spider-bite-infection-allergy-virus-rash
5. The number of hospitals I have passed and considered entering but not really had the time
4. The number of Persian arthouse weepies recommended to me by the 17-year-old Umbro shellsuit kid who moved to Cape Town from Lewisham a year ago and now works in my local video shop
3. The number of elephants I have seen (daddy, mummy and sprog) eating lunch behind my car
2. The number of times I have had to stand outside a guest house under a telephone pylon or in their garage  with my phone resting on a saddle stirrup in order to get one bar of reception
1. The number of cooked breakfasts I have politely, reluctantly - and purely due to time constraints - declined

cats' eyes

Camoufleye

Goldeneye

Evil Eye

Lucifeye

Today I have mostly been….

LISTENING to an unidentified Afrikaans radio station. I can't understand what they're saying but they seem to be having a riot.

NODDING along, smiling politely as guest-house owners tell me, in rich, rich detail, how they made their own floral pelmets and African-themed doilies.

AVOIDING the meth-addled parking attendants who offer to watch over my car in exchange for petty change but who clearly can't remember their own postcodes and probably don't have one anyway.

ALTERNATING between cups of coffee and rooibos for the sake of my already hyperactive kidneys.

REMEMBERING not to lock my car keys in the auto-lock boot again.

SMUGGLING sandwiches out of breakfast buffets.

BANDAGING up my face with antihistamine and gauze after a spider took a chunk out of my chin while I caught zeds in a jungle-pitched tent.

SCARING local children with my bandaged-up face.

SPOTTING a daddy elephant, mummy elephant and baby elephant scoffing grass just 5ft away from my car as I packed up the boot in a game park.

DRINKING free bedroom sherry because it's too cold to leave the room and get a proper drink.

TURNING ON electric blankets.

WRAPPING myself up in electric blankets, antihistamine and gauze, tucking into smoked salmon and cucumber sandwiches made nine hours ago and drinking free bedroom sherry while dreaming of pelmet patterns.

GiRAFFE-SPOTTiNG FOR BEGiNNERS:

just because you can't see a giraffe, 
it doesn't mean a giraffe can't see you

they're not terribly good at hiding...

…even though they try really hard

If they do see you...

…they will pretend that they don't

they like to eat lunch with a friend

so a giraffe split in half may actually be two giraffes

there are always more giraffes than you think

at the T-junction

one ostrich, two ostri?

ostri: pretty as ballerinas, tasty as fillet steak

Day 5 On The Road: Things I Have Learned Thus Far

1. Old American folk, gospel and protest songs are terrible music selections for a road trip across South Africa because words like "death" and "die" and "prayer" and "Lord" and "save" are far too prominent and it's only then that you notice that you haven't got any water and haven't seen a shop in hours.


2. SatNavs are filthy bloody liars and want you to drive into ponds, up trees, and through the centre of townships at 11pm.

3. If you must have a bath in your ground floor beachside bedroom jaccuzzi right beside the french windows, close the curtains first, or at least check that there isn't a hiking trail directly outside.

4. Rhodesian Ridgebacks are actually from South Africa and every South African has at least eight. Some are floppy puppies, some are roll-over-scratch-my-tummy-flirts, some are grumpy old men and others are nicknamed "lion dogs" because they bound about with licketysplit speed and will hurl all 100lbs of themselves at your head if they like you and knock you flat on the ground.

5. Zebras - who incidentally have striped mohawks and look completely fake and painted - are black and white because lions only see in monochrome.

6. Woolworths in South Africa = M&S Food. But better.

7. If you insist on chewing dried cow meat bought from Woolworths, ensure you have dental floss with you at all times.

8. If you try and take a photo out of your car window while driving, you will probably tip your vehicle into a ditch. Try not to do it on a clifftop hairpin bend, no matter how funny-looking the car in front may be.

9. If you go above 170kmph you will go to jail. Unless you have a very large banknote.

10. If you've been driving for five days by yourself, spring clean the inside of your car on occasion. It will make you feel happier. Plus, it is somewhat embarrassing when someone asks for a lift and gets in before you've had a chance to clear the half-eaten sandwiches, spilt Coke and dirty pants off the passenger seat.

a funny-looking horse or two

seeing stripes

smug

it's rude to point

"No, I'm not telling you where I got my onesie."

sharks from the plane

my plane flying over a field

a shark in shallow waters

oh, i do like to be beside the seaside

Nothing wakes you up in the morning quite like a seaview, a wet room and your own Nespresso machine. Except for maybe a spot of aerial whale-watching above the Western Cape in a rickety four-seater plane built in the 50s…

lone wolf

pals

family patch

the darkies

mini me

the whole gang

blankie

and now for something completely different(ish)

apologies in advance

the giraffe really doesn't want to be one of those people who posts pictures of dramatic sunsets, but come on, people:

A positive ID

Breathe easy, I have identified the beast.


After much charadesy flapping about for the locals, many a mammalic hand gesture, and well over four minutes-worth of nose twitching, I have been told that the creature who took a liking to my right kneecap is not a gopher, not a groundhog and not a water rat but a dassie, a rock hyrax (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_Hyrax), or, my personal favourite, a rock rabbit.

I was also told that these guinea piggy rascals are extremely wild and have a predilection for the old scratch-bite-gouge manoeuvre which I was lucky to miss out on when I was teasing the little cutie with my scarf.

Glad to put a lid on that one.

Here is a picture of a queer little dog with eyebrows for anyone unduly upset about not being able to pin the species on the animal:

my first whale

Whale-on-boat photographer, eat your heart out.

the fear

Concern is mounting that after 5 months of sedentary driving, ingesting neverending chunks of cake, bottomless mugs of South African wine, pounds of plump ostrich steak, sacks of sticky malva pudding and lashings of creamy bobotie - all the while gnawing on salty sticks of biltong - that I will be the intended audience of this sign:

The Big Five

(would anyone who can accurately identify the ottery, weaselish mammal molesting my leg please get in touch)