Day 5 On The Road: Things I Have Learned Thus Far

1. Old American folk, gospel and protest songs are terrible music selections for a road trip across South Africa because words like "death" and "die" and "prayer" and "Lord" and "save" are far too prominent and it's only then that you notice that you haven't got any water and haven't seen a shop in hours.


2. SatNavs are filthy bloody liars and want you to drive into ponds, up trees, and through the centre of townships at 11pm.

3. If you must have a bath in your ground floor beachside bedroom jaccuzzi right beside the french windows, close the curtains first, or at least check that there isn't a hiking trail directly outside.

4. Rhodesian Ridgebacks are actually from South Africa and every South African has at least eight. Some are floppy puppies, some are roll-over-scratch-my-tummy-flirts, some are grumpy old men and others are nicknamed "lion dogs" because they bound about with licketysplit speed and will hurl all 100lbs of themselves at your head if they like you and knock you flat on the ground.

5. Zebras - who incidentally have striped mohawks and look completely fake and painted - are black and white because lions only see in monochrome.

6. Woolworths in South Africa = M&S Food. But better.

7. If you insist on chewing dried cow meat bought from Woolworths, ensure you have dental floss with you at all times.

8. If you try and take a photo out of your car window while driving, you will probably tip your vehicle into a ditch. Try not to do it on a clifftop hairpin bend, no matter how funny-looking the car in front may be.

9. If you go above 170kmph you will go to jail. Unless you have a very large banknote.

10. If you've been driving for five days by yourself, spring clean the inside of your car on occasion. It will make you feel happier. Plus, it is somewhat embarrassing when someone asks for a lift and gets in before you've had a chance to clear the half-eaten sandwiches, spilt Coke and dirty pants off the passenger seat.